MARRIAGE - RESEARCH REVEALS INGREDIENTS OF HAPPINESS - NYTimes.com

MARRIAGE - RESEARCH REVEALS INGREDIENTS OF HAPPINESS - NYTimes.com:

Top Five Reasons People Don’t Take Good Care Of Themselves

1. They were not shown or instructed in the ways of good self care.
2. They grew up and/or continue to live in emotionally chaotic families.
3. They received and/or continue to practice religious teaching and training against so called Selfishness.
4. They, in the past and/or present, receive little or no support for self: no permission or validation for good self care, for putting self first and others second.
5. They have an attitude of entitlement which does not lend itself to good self care.We live in a child centered, child focused society in which children are over-protected and over-indulged.  As a result, children become adults who have not learned that they, not others, must be about the care and feeding of all aspect of themselves: emotional, intellectual, social, spiritual, physical, recreational and financial feeding.

Pink Paint Brush

There is a painting of a large paintbrush that hangs in the hallway just outside my office. It's handle is pink and the bristles look as if they just painted something equally pink.

This painting was done several years ago by a professional artist, my mother-in-law. It's whimsical, unique, simple and yet graphically to some point I haven't quite figured out even after all these years. Everyone who leaves my office sees it. Or do they?

I haven't kept literal count, but it seems to me a frequent occurrence as clients exit a session to remark on the pink paint brush painting. “Yes,” I say. “It's been there all the time I have been practicing here.”  “Oh really?” they say. “Oh my gosh (OMG). I just noticed it!”

“Yes,” I say. “It's a beauty.”  I begin to get ready for my next session and my client leaves. I am left, once again, with the reminder that we don't always see or hear what's there. We know our brains have the capacity to be highly selective in what they pay attention to. We call that focus. But when selective perception happens below our conscious awareness we’re somewhat mystified about the process that makes that happen.

It is possible with conscious thought and mindful deliberation to pause, and ask oneself, “What have I missed here? What have I been observing but not consciously taking into account?” I don't think this is what's going on when clients remark on the pink paint brush upon exiting a session with me. However, this can be what goes on between two people who care about each other.

I often recommend a homework exercise for couples in marriage counseling. Stare at each other and find something different about that beloved face which you've never seen before. Close your eyes while your partner speaks, or recites a poem, or reads a favorite passage or even sings and listen for tones, colors and uniqueness you've never heard before in that voice so endeared to you. Find an opinion or preference your partner holds which you have not been aware of.

Aside from malnutrition, the biggest killer of significant relationship, including marriage, is taking each other for granted. That means doing something similar to repeatedly entering and exiting my office and never noticing the pink paint brush that's been hanging there all along.

Of course, this discovery process (finding details and features and characteristics you've taken for granted, overlooked or never been consciously aware of) needs to be done physically, not only visually, auditory or mentally.

Relationships need its two partners to regularly sneak up on surprises about each other so that there is a steady stream of experiencing “OMGs” about each other. Relationships are living entities and they do get bored.

Need a gift idea for your lover during this season? Pay such close attention to him or her that you actually see, hear, touch and smell features about them and feel emotions with them never before experienced in the history of your relationship.

How Well Do Your Know Your Partner? Take The Gottman "Love Map" Quiz.

One of the most important features of  successful couple relationships is the quality of the friendship.  Do you know your partner’s inner world?  Take the quiz below and find out.

1. I can name my partner's best friends.

            yes   no

2. I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.

           

3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.

            yes   no

4. I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams.

            yes   no

5. I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life.

            yes    no

6. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.

            yes    no

7. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

            yes   no

8. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.

            yes   no

9. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.

            yes    no

10. My partner really respects me.

            yes   no

11. There is fire and passion in this relationship.

            yes    no

12. Romance is definitely still part of our relationship.

            yes    no

13. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.

            yes    no

14. My partner generally likes my personality.

            yes    no

15. My partner thinks our sex life is mostly satisfying.

            yes    no

16. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.

            yes   no

17. My partner is one of my best friends.

            yes   no

18. We just love talking to each other.

            yes    no

19. There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions.

            yes    no

20. My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.

            yes    no

21. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.

            yes    no

22. We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.

            yes    no

Your score: ___________

15 or more yes answers: You have a lot of strength in your relationship.

Congratulations!

8 to 14: This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can

build upon but there are also some weaknesses that need your attention.

7 or fewer: Your relationship may be in serious trouble. If this concerns you, you

probably still value the relationship enough to try to get help.

This quiz highlights elements of what Dr. Gottman refers to as your "love map." In his

workshops, Dr. Gottman discusses the step-by-step process of making sure that you

nurture your friendship with your partner. In a survey of 200 couples attending a

weekend workshop, Dr. Gottman found that the best predictor of passion and

romance in a relationship was...you guessed it...the quality of the friendship!

Copyright 2004 The Gottman Institute, Inc.      www.gottman.com

Beauties and Beasts: Stop Blaming Wives For What Husbands Do and Feel

What do you want from counseling? Each person gives me their answer. Here’s a common answer from wives:

"I want to be able to talk to my husband and not make him angry or irritable." Another version: “I have to be really careful when I talk to him or he gets mad and won’t talk.  What am I supposed to do?”

Women are responsible for what their man feels, says and does.  Not the man, or so the killer myth goes (“killer” as in what destroys relationships).

A myth is a belief system that guides people’s behavior.  Those who use the myth believe it to be true. For example, a historical myth was that the earth is flat. Although not true, this belief was held to be true by many people, so much so, few would sail very far from the coast because they believed if you went too far you fall off the flat earth.

Looking at stories that are often repeated and loved in a culture can show us its myths.  "Beauty And The Beast,” is one such story.

This story, told in a variety of formats, including opera, picture books, and animated cartoons, shows that only the beauty, Belle, is able, with her tears, to transform the beast (representing ugly male characteristics) into a handsome prince, signifying those positive characteristics men are capable of displaying.  The Beast can’t do this without Belle doing her “magic.”

We see the same theme in the story of King Kong in which huge, frightening and grotesque male energy in the form of a large ape can only be calmed by King Kong’s female of choice. The Ape can’t do it himself.

Cultures which insist that women cover their entire body so that men's sexual impulses do not get out of hand, suggest the same theme or myth: women are responsible for men when they do angry or ugly things. The men can’t control themselves.

In fact, at times in our culture, women who are raped are blamed for their victimization. The belief is that the woman did not manage herself properly in the presence of the man or rapist. She may have worn skimpy clothing, or conducted herself supposedly in a seductive fashion and thus was to blame for her rape.

The myth that a woman (or any person, for that matter) is responsible for the emotional or physical treatment a man gives her is false. However, it seems to be a well entrenched, widely held belief that one person has the ability to make another person have certain feelings.

"I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'd like to figure out how to not make him so angry. What can I do to make my wife happy?" These are common statements that imply one person's feelings are another person's responsibility.

I asked the wife of one couple who believed this myth, if she had noticed that if the phone rang during one of her fights with her husband, that he was able to answer the phone with a calm voice, no anger or irritation at all?

“Of course,” she said, “That happens all the time. People at work are always calling him.”  I asked her in those instances what made her husband, who had been “made angry” by her, suddenly have the ability to regulate his emotion when the phone rang? She had no answer for that.

The truth about human emotion: each of us is responsible for what we feel and do. Feelings are based upon perceptions and perceptions are based upon our thoughts and we are able and responsible to manage our feelings by managing perceptions and thoughts. In turn, we are able to manage our behaviors.

The “Devil made me do it,” doesn’t wash, any more.  Oh, and by the way: women are not the Devil!

Are You To Blame For Your Wife's Anger At You? Five Key Questions About Angry Wives

I hear many men complain, "My wife is angry with me!" Living with an angry spouse or lover is not much fun. If your wife is angry with you, life can be miserable and of course you want to do something about it. Take a look at these 5 questions.

Why are you so angry at me?

This is the question many men ask, but it can make things worse. In all likelihood, your wife has already told you what is displeasing her. She gets even more upset when you ask, "Why are you so angry at me?" She may say back to you, "I already told you but you're not listening and that makes me even more angry!"

What keeps you from listening to what your wife says when you talk with her about her anger?

Men often are "Mr. Fixit'". If there's a problem, such as "my wife's anger at me", Mr. Fixit will go to work to try to make things better in much the same way he would go about fixing a flat tire or the clogged kitchen sink.

Problem is your wife is not tire or piece of plumbing. She is a living entity with lots of emotion. To fix your wife's anger problem you may have to shift your thinking about how to fix this problem.

Do you practice active listening skills with your angry wife?

In many cases the answer to this question is, "No." Our culture does not teach men to actively listen well, especially to someone who is emotional. Active listening does not try to fix the problem the person has, in this case your wife's anger. Active listening simply directs you to set all other thoughts aside and focus on the person you're listening to.

Proof that you have been listening is required and that comes when you say back to you wife you're what you heard her say. It is not enough to say, "I hear you." You have to prove it to your spouse or partner that indeed you have heard what is upsetting her.

Are you willing to stop defending yourself and justifying your behavior?

If your wife is angry at you and it has something to do with what you've done or not done, it will help cool her anger if you simply listen and do not defend yourself. After you've heard her out, rather than explaining why you did what you did that upset her, instead you say, "If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way you do."

Even if you have to write that last sentence down and read it out loud to your angry wife, I guarantee you, some of her heat will dissipate.

When was the last time you romanced your wife and how did you do it?

The old song states, "You don't bring me flowers anymore." Guys often act like they think of marriage as an event. They got married and that's it. Done. From then on they take the relationship for granted and forget that, like a garden, a child, or a pet, marriage is a living entity that must be looked after, cared for and nurtured.

Wives are often angry because they feel taken for granted and overlooked. Bring her flowers, tell her you love her, remind her of what about her endears her to you. Set up dates and outings with her.... all those things you did to court her in the beginning of your relationship. And you must do these courtship things regularly for the life of the marriage. If not, you run a big risk of her being angry at you for a long time.

Conflict is not bad but it does need to be managed.  Ask your relationship counselor how or give me a call: Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D., 913-901-9110

Mr. Mom, Inc.

photographer: healingdream

“Calling Mr. Mom? Why women won't have it all until men do too.” draws focus to the state of affairs of how Americans now do home and hearth. Good analysis, thank you Lisa Belkin and New York Times Magazine. (You can read her article here.)

I would add these “untils”…

• Mothers and fathers teach their sons EQ (emotional quotient) is as important as IQ (intelligence quotient) for success in life.
• The ingredients of relationship health are taught at the same priority as physical health.
• We accept that love is not anymore sufficient to make marriage work as it is to fly a jet airplane or be the next Warren Buffet. It takes skill.
• Corporations and banks display marriage enrichment seminar banners on their lawns as a regularly as churches do.
• Men schedule maintenance of their significant relationships as regularly and assiduously as they do their carefully crafted automobiles.
• The core relationship for all families ceases to be taken for granted any more than our bank accounts and national security are taken for granted.

Belkin asks: “How then to inch towards change?” By shifting our priorities and values so that interpersonal relationships are on par with hedge funds. Until then, it may not be a complement to be called a Mr. Mom or a Mrs. Dad.