Couples Resources For (Outrageously) Healthy Relationships.

MARRIAGE - RESEARCH REVEALS INGREDIENTS OF HAPPINESS - NYTimes.com

2011-12-08T16:54:00.001-06:00

MARRIAGE - RESEARCH REVEALS INGREDIENTS OF HAPPINESS - NYTimes.com:

Top Five Reasons People Don’t Take Good Care Of Themselves

2011-07-29T12:51:00.000-05:00

They were not shown or instructed in the ways of good self care.
They grew up and/or continue to live in emotionally chaotic families.
They received and/or continue to practice religious teaching and training against so called Selfishness.
They, in the past and/or present, receive little or no support for self: no permission or validation for good self care, for putting self first and others second.
They have an attitude of entitlement which does not lend itself to good self care.We live in a child centered, child focused society in which children are over-protected and over-indulged. As a result, children become adults who have not learned that they, not others, must be about the care and feeding of all aspect of themselves: emotional, intellectual, social, spiritual, physical, recreational and financial feeding.

Pink Paint Brush

2011-07-21T12:10:00.000-05:00

There is a painting of a large paintbrush that hangs in the hallway just outside my office. It's handle is pink and the bristles look as if they just painted something equally pink.

This painting was done several years ago by a professional artist, my mother-in-law. It's whimsical, unique, simple and yet graphically to some point I haven't quite figured out even after all these years. Everyone who leaves my office sees it. Or do they?

I haven't kept literal count, but it seems to me a frequent occurrence as clients exit a session to remark on the pink paint brush painting. “Yes,” I say. “It's been there all the time I have been practicing here.” “Oh really?” they say. “Oh my gosh (OMG). I just noticed it!”

“Yes,” I say. “It's a beauty.” I begin to get ready for my next session and my client leaves. I am left, once again, with the reminder that we don't always see or hear what's there. We know our brains have the capacity to be highly selective in what they pay attention to. We call that focus. But when selective perception happens below our conscious awareness we’re somewhat mystified about the process that makes that happen.

It is possible with conscious thought and mindful deliberation to pause, and ask oneself, “What have I missed here? What have I been observing but not consciously taking into account?” I don't think this is what's going on when clients remark on the pink paint brush upon exiting a session with me. However, this can be what goes on between two people who care about each other.

I often recommend a homework exercise for couples in marriage counseling. Stare at each other and find something different about that beloved face which you've never seen before. Close your eyes while your partner speaks, or recites a poem, or reads a favorite passage or even sings and listen for tones, colors and uniqueness you've never heard before in that voice so endeared to you. Find an opinion or preference your partner holds which you have not been aware of.

Aside from malnutrition, the biggest killer of significant relationship, including marriage, is taking each other for granted. That means doing something similar to repeatedly entering and exiting my office and never noticing the pink paint brush that's been hanging there all along.

Of course, this discovery process (finding details and features and characteristics you've taken for granted, overlooked or never been consciously aware of) needs to be done physically, not only visually, auditory or mentally.

Relationships need its two partners to regularly sneak up on surprises about each other so that there is a steady stream of experiencing “OMGs” about each other. Relationships are living entities and they do get bored.

Need a gift idea for your lover during this season? Pay such close attention to him or her that you actually see, hear, touch and smell features about them and feel emotions with them never before experienced in the history of your relationship.

How Well Do Your Know Your Partner? Take The Gottman "Love Map" Quiz.

2011-06-07T16:50:00.000-05:00

One of the most important features of successful couple relationships is the quality of the friendship. Do you know your partner’s inner world? Take the quiz below and find out.

1. I can name my partner's best friends.

yes no

2. I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.

3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.

yes no

4. I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams.

yes no

5. I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life.

yes no

6. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.

yes no

7. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

yes no

8. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.

yes no

9. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.

yes no

10. My partner really respects me.

yes no

11. There is fire and passion in this relationship.

yes no

12. Romance is definitely still part of our relationship.

yes no

13. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.

yes no

14. My partner generally likes my personality.

yes no

15. My partner thinks our sex life is mostly satisfying.

yes no

16. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.

yes no

17. My partner is one of my best friends.

yes no

18. We just love talking to each other.

yes no

19. There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions.

yes no

20. My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.

yes no

21. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.

yes no

22. We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.

yes no

Your score: ___________

15 or more yes answers: You have a lot of strength in your relationship.

Congratulations!

8 to 14: This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can

build upon but there are also some weaknesses that need your attention.

7 or fewer: Your relationship may be in serious trouble. If this concerns you, you

probably still value the relationship enough to try to get help.

This quiz highlights elements of what Dr. Gottman refers to as your "love map." In his

workshops, Dr. Gottman discusses the step-by-step process of making sure that you

nurture your friendship with your partner. In a survey of 200 couples attending a

weekend workshop, Dr. Gottman found that the best predictor of passion and

romance in a relationship was...you guessed it...the quality of the friendship!

Beauties and Beasts: Stop Blaming Wives For What Husbands Do and Feel

2011-04-10T18:24:00.000-05:00

What do you want from counseling? Each person gives me their answer. Here’s a common answer from wives:

"I want to be able to talk to my husband and not make him angry or irritable." Another version: “I have to be really careful when I talk to him or he gets mad and won’t talk. What am I supposed to do?”

Women are responsible for what their man feels, says and does. Not the man, or so the killer myth goes (“killer” as in what destroys relationships).

A myth is a belief system that guides people’s behavior. Those who use the myth believe it to be true. For example, a historical myth was that the earth is flat. Although not true, this belief was held to be true by many people, so much so, few would sail very far from the coast because they believed if you went too far you fall off the flat earth.

Looking at stories that are often repeated and loved in a culture can show us its myths. "Beauty And The Beast,” is one such story.

This story, told in a variety of formats, including opera, picture books, and animated cartoons, shows that only the beauty, Belle, is able, with her tears, to transform the beast (representing ugly male characteristics) into a handsome prince, signifying those positive characteristics men are capable of displaying. The Beast can’t do this without Belle doing her “magic.”

We see the same theme in the story of King Kong in which huge, frightening and grotesque male energy in the form of a large ape can only be calmed by King Kong’s female of choice. The Ape can’t do it himself.

Cultures which insist that women cover their entire body so that men's sexual impulses do not get out of hand, suggest the same theme or myth: women are responsible for men when they do angry or ugly things. The men can’t control themselves.

In fact, at times in our culture, women who are raped are blamed for their victimization. The belief is that the woman did not manage herself properly in the presence of the man or rapist. She may have worn skimpy clothing, or conducted herself supposedly in a seductive fashion and thus was to blame for her rape.

The myth that a woman (or any person, for that matter) is responsible for the emotional or physical treatment a man gives her is false. However, it seems to be a well entrenched, widely held belief that one person has the ability to make another person have certain feelings.

"I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'd like to figure out how to not make him so angry. What can I do to make my wife happy?" These are common statements that imply one person's feelings are another person's responsibility.

I asked the wife of one couple who believed this myth, if she had noticed that if the phone rang during one of her fights with her husband, that he was able to answer the phone with a calm voice, no anger or irritation at all?

“Of course,” she said, “That happens all the time. People at work are always calling him.” I asked her in those instances what made her husband, who had been “made angry” by her, suddenly have the ability to regulate his emotion when the phone rang? She had no answer for that.

The truth about human emotion: each of us is responsible for what we feel and do. Feelings are based upon perceptions and perceptions are based upon our thoughts and we are able and responsible to manage our feelings by managing perceptions and thoughts. In turn, we are able to manage our behaviors.

The “Devil made me do it,” doesn’t wash, any more. Oh, and by the way: women are not the Devil!

Are You To Blame For Your Wife's Anger At You? Five Key Questions About Angry Wives

2011-04-01T19:01:00.000-05:00

I hear many men complain, "My wife is angry with me!" Living with an angry spouse or lover is not much fun. If your wife is angry with you, life can be miserable and of course you want to do something about it. Take a look at these 5 questions.

Why are you so angry at me?

This is the question many men ask, but it can make things worse. In all likelihood, your wife has already told you what is displeasing her. She gets even more upset when you ask, "Why are you so angry at me?" She may say back to you, "I already told you but you're not listening and that makes me even more angry!"

What keeps you from listening to what your wife says when you talk with her about her anger?

Men often are "Mr. Fixit'". If there's a problem, such as "my wife's anger at me", Mr. Fixit will go to work to try to make things better in much the same way he would go about fixing a flat tire or the clogged kitchen sink.

Problem is your wife is not tire or piece of plumbing. She is a living entity with lots of emotion. To fix your wife's anger problem you may have to shift your thinking about how to fix this problem.

Do you practice active listening skills with your angry wife?

In many cases the answer to this question is, "No." Our culture does not teach men to actively listen well, especially to someone who is emotional. Active listening does not try to fix the problem the person has, in this case your wife's anger. Active listening simply directs you to set all other thoughts aside and focus on the person you're listening to.

Proof that you have been listening is required and that comes when you say back to you wife you're what you heard her say. It is not enough to say, "I hear you." You have to prove it to your spouse or partner that indeed you have heard what is upsetting her.

Are you willing to stop defending yourself and justifying your behavior?

If your wife is angry at you and it has something to do with what you've done or not done, it will help cool her anger if you simply listen and do not defend yourself. After you've heard her out, rather than explaining why you did what you did that upset her, instead you say, "If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way you do."

Even if you have to write that last sentence down and read it out loud to your angry wife, I guarantee you, some of her heat will dissipate.

When was the last time you romanced your wife and how did you do it?

The old song states, "You don't bring me flowers anymore." Guys often act like they think of marriage as an event. They got married and that's it. Done. From then on they take the relationship for granted and forget that, like a garden, a child, or a pet, marriage is a living entity that must be looked after, cared for and nurtured.

Wives are often angry because they feel taken for granted and overlooked. Bring her flowers, tell her you love her, remind her of what about her endears her to you. Set up dates and outings with her.... all those things you did to court her in the beginning of your relationship. And you must do these courtship things regularly for the life of the marriage. If not, you run a big risk of her being angry at you for a long time.

Conflict is not bad but it does need to be managed. Ask your relationship counselor how or give me a call: Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D., 913-901-9110

Mr. Mom, Inc.

2010-10-28T22:18:00.001-05:00

photographer: healingdream

“Calling Mr. Mom? Why women won't have it all until men do too.” draws focus to the state of affairs of how Americans now do home and hearth. Good analysis, thank you Lisa Belkin and New York Times Magazine. (You can read her article here.)

I would add these “untils”…

Mothers and fathers teach their sons EQ (emotional quotient) is as important as IQ (intelligence quotient) for success in life.
The ingredients of relationship health are taught at the same priority as physical health.
We accept that love is not anymore sufficient to make marriage work as it is to fly a jet airplane or be the next Warren Buffet. It takes skill.
Corporations and banks display marriage enrichment seminar banners on their lawns as a regularly as churches do.
Men schedule maintenance of their significant relationships as regularly and assiduously as they do their carefully crafted automobiles.
The core relationship for all families ceases to be taken for granted any more than our bank accounts and national security are taken for granted.

Belkin asks: “How then to inch towards change?” By shifting our priorities and values so that interpersonal relationships are on par with hedge funds. Until then, it may not be a complement to be called a Mr. Mom or a Mrs. Dad.

St. Teresa Little Flower - little things matter

2010-10-27T10:47:00.001-05:00

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that
has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to
sing, dance, praise and love.

Posted via email from marriagecounselingkansascity's posterous

Like Kids, We Want Our Partner To Go First, (So, Nothing New Happens In Understanding Each Other)

2010-07-26T18:02:00.000-05:00

The most frequently cited problem among couples who go to marriage counseling is what many people call a “lack of communication”. It’s not that they can’t converse or not take note of each other. This complaint refers to feeling misunderstood and not confirmed. Often, people will say they did not succeed to connect if they do not reach mutual agreement on a topic or if they do not get what they want with their partner.

Folks usually would rather be understood than get others to concur with them. People can tolerate contrasts so long as they feel the other side has heard and grasped their position, feelings or view. We especially want to be understood by others we care about in our life. Listening and discussion expertise are essential to giving and gaining understanding.

Here are some suggestions that make this possible:

*Use only “I” words. It’s “me” and “my”, not “you”, “yours” or “ours”.

*Schedule a period and location and announce the topic before talk of the topic, especially uncomfortable topics. Commence and end on time.

*Don’t surprise your companion, i.e. launching a discussion without getting consent that they are up for it and have the time now. Or reveal “bombshell” facts on your partner as a manipulating or “winning” tactic.

*Use the “When you_______________then I_______________________ format. Be specific about the behavior or words that evoke your particular response or feeling.

*Check out a word you think you heard from your partner before supposing or deciding what they meant and have a feeling reaction: i.e., “Is this what you meant to say,"_____________?" (Repeat back what you heard them say.)

*Ask your partner to say back to you in their words what they assume they heard you say. Adjust the message and keeping repeating back until the content sent is clearly the message obtained.

*No head reading. “You should just know how that makes me feel!” Not likely.

*Guidelines for “Fair Fighting”
1. No physical assault or abuse while talking. If there must be physical touch during dialogue, then hold hands and stand facing each other naked in the bath tub whilst discussing.
2. No name calling.
3. Stick to existing topic. No recalling the past, unless that’s the topic.
4. No walking (running) out while talking unless that’s been arranged and accepted before hand. Before walking out or having a break, negotiate and schedule when the “fight” will resume.
5. No threatening to separate or end the marriage while fighting.
6. No either/or dares.

Oh, and be willing to go first in understanding your partner or spouse.

The Big Marriage Mistake: How Not to Make The Biggest (Most Painful) Mistake Possible In Marriage.

2010-04-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

Keeping a couple relationship or marriage healthy takes skill more than it takes love. The Big Mistake gets these two in the wrong order.

A seasoned commercial airline captain landed his big jet full of people safely on the Hudson River and it made breaking news. He did it with neither engine running. No power. Just skill.

I’ve heard many discuss this heroic feat. Not once have I heard it said that he was able to save lives simply because he loved flying. To be sure, this pilot is a veteran flyer and I doubt he stuck with flying only because he needed to make a living. He probably does love flying.

But the love of flying is not what gets the credit for this man’s ability to safely land a disable jet on water. Neither is sheer luck given the credit. Most people say it was that captain's skill.

Well, of course it took skill. Dah! It takes skill to fly any airplane, let alone one under the conditions the captain found himself. We accept and expect skill for doing technical things. But when it comes to human interactions, such as significant relationships, parenting, managing people, overcoming additive illnesses or healthy sex, we act as though “love is enough” for success. I have concluded love is never enough to sustain success in anything humans do with each other. It takes skills first. Love just makes it more fun.

Training, learning, guidance and lots of ongoing practice makes the difference between safe landings and painful, costly crashes. So, here are some of the necessary skill sets (clusters of many skills and abilities) couples must have to avoid the Big Mistake in relationship:

Listening (Not what you think it is and not nearly as easy as you want it to be).
Talking (About the tough stuff, the stuff of emotional landmines, the unutterables).
Time (You have no idea how difficult it is to get troubled couples to set time for themselves ahead of work, soccer games, making kids lunches or taking out the trash. Couple-Time seems to often be Last-Time).
Touch (Also not as easy as you might wish or think. Just an ear nibble gets put aside).

All the skills that go into listening, talking, touching and grabbing the time to do those three are not easily acquired skills, but guess what: you can learn them, especially with the help of a skilled interpersonal relationship coach. You job is to make that call, keep the appointment and do the homework the coach gives you. Skill building takes effort and practice. But you can do it. Call me and I'll show you how:
Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. 913-901-9110. www.netpsychologist.com

Soon To Be A Bride (or Groom)? Better Watch Out!

2010-02-25T11:36:00.000-06:00

“Marriage Made Easy - Three Knock-Your-Socks-Off Tricks For Couples” is an article I recommend for new couples, if they want to last. Yes, I know, that may not be the customary high-fiving positive, smiling, congratulatory response to the news that you are about to be married.

But here's the deal: the pathway that leads from the altar of “I-Do’s” is full of potholes. I don't know of anything that stirs up a family system more than a wedding. Even deaths and funerals don't shake the family tree like a new marriage. Statistically, as a new couple, you have a 50-50 chance of getting past the third year of marriage. If you make it past your third year and start having kids, you have a 50-50 chance of getting divorced between your 18th and 25th year of marriage.

Something happens at the wedding altar or on the steps of the courthouse or during the elopement. However you choose to tie the knot, switches get flipped, as it were, when a couple marries. Being married is a change of identity and with that comes shifts and expectations that most of us are not aware of. Those expectations have been socialized into us, and lay dormant just like certain genes, until we need them. When we say to ourselves, “I am now married,” the brain begins to activate guidance systems about how to be married. If you use the default guidance system about how to be married in the American culture, you also run the risk of reaping the consequences that guidance system delivers.

That guidance system is full of flaws. Proof of that is that we as a society have produced the highest breakup rate known to mankind. So what's a couple to do? Go to this article and learn some new tricks. That will be a good start. After that, contact me and I'll give you the next set of instructions for a brand-new guidance system for your brand-new marriage.

What Goes On Behind Closed Doors (In His Office)? Therapist Reveals All!

2010-01-26T11:59:00.000-06:00

What goes on in marriage counseling? Therapy can be a mystery and in turn somewhat frightening. Marriage therapy is no more to be afraid of or worried about than a conversation with a close friend. In fact, it can be better than that because your counselor won't tell your secrets! At least this Kansas City therapist doesn't tell.

The Beginning:

Getting to the marriage counselor's office for the first session is usually the most difficult step. It's new and unknown territory, both literally and emotionally. Hopefully you are greeted by a pleasant office and friendly staff. It's good to feel welcomed. In my office, I do the greeting as I do not have a receptionist.

My waiting room is large enough to hold six to eight people. If I've done my job right, I ended the last session before you arrived and those clients have left. Some people worry, understandably, if some one they know will see them in the waiting room and blow "their cover".

The First Session:

This is a pretty critical session. Everyone is sizing up each other. First impressions can determine success or failure of the counseling. You want to feel comfortable with your therapist pretty early on and if that doesn't happen, give this particular counselor a second thought. Maybe even, bring up the fact with the therapist you're feeling uneasy.

My job as marriage counselor in the first session is to begin getting acquainted with my new clients and understanding what concerns bring them into my office. I begin with more superficial questions about their jobs, children, dates of marriage and where they grew up. The rest of this first session I listen to each partner talk about their thoughts and feeling as to what is troubling their marriage or relationship. I take notes.

The session ends with me asking the clients if they have questions to ask me. Then we set a date and time for the next session.

The Next Sessions:

When the couple comes back for the second session, I ask how things between them have been since we last met. Again, I want to hear from each person. Usually, this conversation leads us deeper into sensitive issues that are toxic for the couple, things they may have trouble discussing calmly. From these discussions, I am able to identify the strategies and suggestions for change the couple will use to make healthy changes in their relationship.

Unless, the couple is in a crisis that intervenes, I will assign "homework" for the couple to work on before their next session. When they return, we check on the homework to see if the assignments were successful or not. From this information, I am able to make additional adjustments in what the couple is focusing on and fine tune the effectiveness of their efforts to calm their relationship waters and increase emotional closeness.

This process of homework and feedback will continue until the couple is satisfied with their progress.

Things A Good Marriage Counselor Will Never Do:

Blame one member of the couple for the relationship trouble.
Embarrass the couple with shame, or criticize them.
Tell them they should or should not separate or break up.
Side with one partner against the other.
Reveal information given to the therapist in confidence.
Ask the couple to do things against their values or beliefs.

I would want you to look forward to marriage or couples counseling with a positive and hopeful attitude just like you would taking your car in for repairs so it can run great again. It helps to get information about the marriage counseling process before you begin. Also, you can call the therapist and talk with them before the first session to establish a feeling of trust and comfort. Call me. I can help. Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. 913-901-9110.

Thank You Tiger Woods For Showing Couples The Error Of Their Ways!

2009-12-18T17:15:00.001-06:00

Okay, Tiger Woods. Your sex scandal is prime news!
Boy do we ever love to slurp up those marriage scandals! Actually, I think our reactions to these things tell us more about ourselves and how we do relationships than they do the celebrities or others involved in the salacious stories.
I have read there's more Internet activity about Tiger Woods than there has ever been about anybody else, including Michael Jackson. Although I am not claiming scientific analysis, it occurs to me that there's more being said about Tiger Woods resigning from golf than his infidelity to his wife. The comments of bloggers, news commentators and others appear to me to more about Tiger Woods resignation from golf than what has happened to his marriage.
It is in this way, that these kind of events shows us ourselves. How does it happen that there is more outcry about Tiger Woods resignation from golf than support for him to finally pay attention to his marriage? Answer: that's the American way. These are our values. Marriage, one way or the other, seems to easily come last. Make money, be successful in business, raise children, be active in community volunteer work, teach Sunday School and Boy Scouts, you name it. We put energy, focus, and effort first into almost any thing else before we put energy and focus into our marriages or significant relationships.
A few apologies here, a “Mea Culpa” there, a little counseling, ask the public for forgiveness and a second chance. That's what I hear being recommended to Mr. Woods from the cable networks and Internet. Instead, Tiger Woods has done the opposite. He has issued apologies, but he has also pulled out of golf so that he purportedly can focus on his marriage. What's wrong with that? Brave man to go against cultural values, even if it is a little late.
Now, I admit there is an either/or aspect to Woods’ decision. Wouldn't it be a more balanced approach to throttle back on golf a bit but not quit and at the same time, push forward with efforts to repair and renew his marriage? Yes, but, when things are out of balance to begin with, it’s easy to go to the other extreme when trying to make corrections.
Lesson learned from the Woods scenario: don't take your marriage for granted and expected it to last. Significant relationships and marriage require bare minimum sustenance in the form of the 3T's: Touch, Talk and the Time to do the first two. Touching, physical and regular. Talk about meaningful authentic issues between me and you. And time for us, the couple, time that is scheduled, regular and prime. Marriages are living entities. Feed them and they thrive. Starve them and they wither.
We do reap what we sow in that where we put our attention, our time, our focus, our energy is the place from which we can expect the greatest gains. If it’s not your marriage you're investing in, then your marriage will lag, go dormant and perhaps even cease to exist.
Despite the great cost to you and your family, thank you Mr. and Mrs. Tiger Woods for reminding us in such a graphic way that marriage cannot be left on its own without maintenance and expected to work.
If you need an assist with your own marriage or relationship, give me a call: Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D., 913-901-9110.

My Marriage Has To Be Perfect Or I’m Out Of Here (And Counseling Won’t Work Either)!

2009-11-09T19:39:00.001-06:00

I am amazed when couples come in for marriage counseling how either/or their thinking about their relationship can be. “We argued and fought and it got really hot between us last weekend after we’d been out trying to have a good time. We had a few drinks and then……”
OK, so the date night blew up. That’s too bad and I would not want that for anyone, but what is the problem? “Well, we’re worried we might not make it, you know the “D” word is floating around and, well, no one has filed yet, but I just can’t go on like this. I can’t take it and it’s not good for the kids.”
And so it goes. I do my marriage counseling work. Yes, their sex life is OK. Their kids are healthy, they, the parents, are healthy. They do not have serious financial problems, they occasional have good recreation together and they take the family to church. They have friends, both as individuals and a couple. Sounds more better than not, if you ask me. So I ask them what is the real scare? They seem anxious, as if the relationship is teetering on the edge.
No relationship can be or, in my opinion, is supposed to be perfect. So many couples are plagued by this unreal perfectionistic idea about their relationship or marriage. If more parts of the relationship are functioning well than not, enjoy what is working and use that good energy to address the less functional aspects of your marriage.
Let’s be realistic. I do not ridicule couples for being concerned about the quality of their couple life. It’s good to process the rough times to learn what set it off and how to keep the dynamite from blowing next time. We each have our buttons. Be kind and have mercy on your partner. Just because you know where those hot buttons are (and you do) does not mean anything will be gained by hitting those vulnerable areas. And yet, it happens.
In addition to working with each other to keep improving, also remember to thank your spouse or mate for what they are maintaining with you that works and is good and healthy. Sure, if you have an illness in one of your organs, do what you can to heal. However, don’t get so focused on the illness you forget to use, enjoy and sustain the health you have in all the other areas of your life and body. The parts that are hurting need all the support they can get from the parts that are working. Gratitude goes a long way down the road of sustained health, in your body and relationship. Be grateful and express it to your mate, even in the middle of a fight.
Who knows, marriage counseling, might help. Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. can be reached at 913-901-9110.

Simple (But Frequently Forgotten Formula) For Couple Bonding: You Too Can Use These Powerful Relationship Words.

2009-10-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

Miraculous Words For Couples Who Want To Avoid Break Ups. Repeat After Me......
• I missed you today.
• I love you!
• You are so clever!
• I'm proud of you.
• You are so special to me.
• What can I do to help you?
• I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
• Remember when we (something positive).....
• Thank you.
• What do you want to do?
• Please.
• I'm listening.
• What are your hopes and dreams?
• I'm here for you.

More Beautiful Tips For Couples Who Want To Understand And Be Understood.
1) Keep an Open Mind, If You Can. Some People Can't.
Don't judge. Jumping to conclusions or looking for the right or wrong in what is being said prevents you from listening. Think before you say anything in response, especially if it is an emotional reaction.
2) Use Feedback Techniques.
Let your partner know that you heard what they said by restating what was said. Say something like "I hear you saying ...." Be open to the possibility that you didn't hear clearly what your partner/spouse was saying.
3) Don't Interrupt Me!
Let your partner finish what they are saying. If this is a problem and you interrupt a lot, find someway to remind yourself to keep quiet. Some people put their chin in their hand as a sign to themselves to not speak until their mate is finished talking. Make listening a priority over speaking your thoughts. You'll have your turn to talk.
4) Stomp On Blocks to Listening.
Avoid these patterns of listening: mind reading (as in finishing the other person's sentence), judging, daydreaming, sparring, being right, changing the subject, stonewalling, and placating.
5) Stay Focused (At Least For The Time Agreed On).
Agree on a time, place and length of time to work on the issue. Then focus on the main points that your spouse/partner is talking about. It's good to ask questions to clarify what you thought you heard. Stay here. Stay in the now.
6) Pay Attention With Your body.
Be aware of non-verbal signs and clues - both yours and those of your mate. These include shrugging your shoulders, tone of voice, crossing arms or legs, nodding, eye contact or looking away, facial expressions (smile, frown, shock, disgust, tears, surprise, rolling eyes, etc.), and mannerisms (fiddling with papers, tapping your fingers, watching TV). Fifty five percent of the message in any communication is delivered through non-verbal signs.
7) Gender Differences Are Real, But Manageable.
Although not true for everyone, men and women generally communicate differently. Being aware can enhance your listening skills. Men often share because they want to give information, report or solve a problem. Women tend to talk to connect with someone or to get information. Women usually talk more about relationships than men. Men are often more concerned about details than women.
8) No Body Likes To Be Told What To Do.
Don't give advice unless asked for. You can't listen and talk at the same time. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Listening is the better half of communication.
9) Show Respect. Eventually You'll Feel It.
Respect the other person's point of view, even if you disagree with what is being said. "Respect" means listening and accepting their view point or opinion without you criticizing it or trying to change it.

These are not difficult. Neither do they come without some effort. Most couples did not take the course to qualify for their license to create and sustain positive, healthy and emotional close relationships. (That is a joke, but I do wish there was such a course.) But, you can learn to use these very effective words and tips in your marriage or relationship. If you could use some help with any of these ideas, give me a call: Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D., 913-901-9110

Unauthorized Rules For Couples Who Want To Mate For A Long Time (But Don't Know How).

2009-09-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

1. Make sure you can take good care of yourself first and foremost in the dating phase of the relationship. During dating, the DNA patterns of the relationship is being set. Be full of self in all ways. This is not being selfish but rather self-full. This rule avoids dependent/codependent relationships and encourages the autonomy you had from each other before meeting and going on the first date.

2. Date someone you feel uncomfortable with, unless you want to repeat all previous relationship experiences, including those you had in your family of origin. If those patterns served you well, then date someone you feel comfortable with. This rule avoids more of the same if the "same" was abusive in any way.

3. Do not let feelings determine your judgments. Be totally objective, as if you were your own matchmaker or father and mother securing the best mate they could for you. (Love is a feeling!) I know, I know. In America we date/marry for love. Don't rule out love, but put thoughtful evaluation first. This rule protects you from waking up sometime in the future after love wears off (and it will) and substituting resentment and regret for love.

4. Have low expectations regarding what your potential mate can and will do for you. After all, you’re looking for a spouse or partner, not a therapist, passionate sex partner, excellent provider, trophy person that makes you look real successful or super teacher. Select some one who understands the art and skill of “husband” or “midwife”. Husbands cultivate. Midwifes nurture. Period. This rule guarantees long lasting contentment, steady emotional experience, positive regard and respect for each other, and at times, happiness in your relationship.

5. No sex before all other forms of intercourse have been thoroughly explored and used. The other forms of intercourse include deep talk and intimate revelations about the emotional, spiritual, recreational, social, financial and intellectual parts of you before your get to the physical. This rule builds a foundation of caring intimacy for your coupling so you will avoid the mistake of believing sex builds strong, long lasting bonds. Sex attracts. It does not hold things together.

ps. But what do I know? These are just my opinions after watching couples for 30 years struggle and fail in the dating and coupling game called "All American Serial Monogamy." There's gotta be a better way!

pps. If you have a better idea(s), please let me know. I am open minded about these things.

Healthy Marriage: What Is The Key To Healthy Marriage?

2009-08-11T12:36:00.000-05:00

What does a healthy marriage look, sound and feel like? It’s shocking how many people do not have a clear idea how to answer this. Many couples settle for a relationship that gets things done to keep the house running, the kids raised and bills paid without a lot of fighting. Oh, yeah, throw in a little sex now and then, no affairs and an occasional vacation and supposedly you have a happy marriage.

Try this on:
“If you accept each other exactly as you are,
you will not be disappointed
and your souls will remain young and fresh.

If you do not set your hearts on any one result,
you will not be frustrated by events
and your love will remain strong and vital.

If you welcome events as they come
you will not be anxious about the future
and your relationship will remain supple and alive.”

This quote suggests there can be much more depth and substance to marriage than couples were perhaps shown by their parents’ marriage or they read about in a book on wedding ceremonies and vows. For many minds, the most important thing is staying together with no consideration given to growing the quality of the relationship.

“Welcome events as they come”? The fights and the infidelities and the drudgery? Accept the times of sadness and let down? Well yes, because that is the essence of being present and available in the moment to your mate. The up side is also true. You get to accept the good stuff as it happens as well.

The rest of the quote:
“You have seen couples
for whom despair and frustration
have become a way of life.

They sleep-walk through their days
blaming, complaining and dying.

You have also seen those
whose aging life together
has brought softness, gentleness and wisdom.

Which are the two of you becoming?”
From “The Couple’s Tao Te Ching”
By William Martin

There can be more for you in your marriage than you imagined. If you’re not sure how to do that, ask for some help from a good marital therapist. We are limited in this life by the ideas and concepts we have available for use. The ideas in your head and that of your partner may not be all there are to guide your marriage into deep and wonderful places. Ask for help to get out of your ruts, that is if you don’t like the ones you’re stuck in.

Otherwise, have a great marriage!

Save Your Marriage Before It Burns Up.

2009-07-28T09:23:00.000-05:00

Couples in Kansas City want good, qualified counselors as much as people in other cities. Bonafide counselors in Kansas City are available to help couples repair and improve their partnership. All you need to do is find the right one for you and your partner.

The shocking truth which many people do not take into account is that when it comes time to use the right counselor, many couples are in a low trust, highly emotional state of mind. By then, it is too late to think straight or calmly about picking the right therapist in Kansas City.

During a time that can feel shameful time, couples may not want to reveal to friends or family members their relationship crisis. It may seem humiliating or too much of an invasion of privacy to ask for recommendations for a relationship counselor. Some couples can get so locked into a power struggle that neither one of them are willing to break the dead lock, pick up the phone and ask for help.

Critical ways to save the day and put your relationship back where you want it:

Tip 1. Have a counselor already picked out ahead of the fight and huge relationship meltdown. Both of the couple should be part of the pre-selection process: finding names, calling and doing phone interviews with the prospective counselor and even better, having a session or two with the relationship counselor to see if it's a good fit. If not, move on to the next candidate.

Tip 2. Search the web for local professionals. These days, you don't have to break your confidentiality to find a good counselor. It used to be the only way you could trust a referral to a counselor was by word of mouth. You got a name or two from your minister or priest, or a friend who had used a particular therapist would pass the name on to you. Family members often were used to suggest names of counselors. Today, most counselors and psychologists have an online presence. You can narrow down a few names to check out with web searches in your local area. Directories of marriage, relationship or couples counselors have dozens of names to check out. Of course if you're wanting to use your insurance coverage, you would start with the web site of your insurance company. In my opinion, however, using insurance coverage for couples counseling should be avoided if at all possible.

Tip 3. There are alternatives to marriage and relationship therapy. Consider them along with counseling. These other means will not hurt you. They can be helpful and if you can get the relationship back on track without the expense of counseling, great. Also, any work a couple can do before counseling can make the counseling process all the more useful and beneficial.

Tip 4. Don't hesitate. Don't procrastinate lining up a therapist. If you don't have at least one big upheaval during the course of a significant and intimate relationship which threatens to end it, you are lucky. I'd love to read your book on how you did it! Don't take that chance. Be prepared with a counselor you both trust you can turn to in that hardcore crisis. And use the prophylactics that prevent a couple crisis: communications skills, daily attention to the relationship, Fair Fighting Rules, enrichment activities, reading self help books, making love work on a daily basis.

Find a counselor before you need one. That's like doing regular fire drills when your kids live on the top floor of a three story house. You never know when you'll need it, but when you do, you'll be in trouble if they can't find the fire escape.

Take A Walk On The Dark Side To Feel Better?

2009-06-02T21:23:00.000-05:00

The editor of a popular magazine in my neck of the woods recently told of a boss of his who when ever he was feeling down and bad about his situation in life would leave the office and walk through the nearby downtown ghetto. There he saw human misery much worse than his own and that made him feel better, by comparison.

Another example is the woman who writes books about nature. She reads books on the Jewish Holocaust to make herself feel better.

But what about the other way around? Are we to make ourselves feel worse by comparing our fate to those we perceive to be better off? Wanna feel bad? Drive through a neighborhood more wealthy than your own. Want to really have a bad day when you're having trouble paying bills? Read Warren Buffet's portfolio. Find someone who has what you want but don't have and forfeit your joy.

Come on! The truth is this: Compare, Despair.
At netPsychologist.com I advocate for people to be in charge of their emotions so that outside circumstances of any sort do not determine how they feel.

If the quality of my inner life is contingent upon how you are doing and the same is true for you, it is the miserable leading the miserable. If my liver has cancer, does my brain also have to be cancerous for the brain and liver to work together in the same body?

Regulate your own life based on who you are and what you have done for yourself in life. Take good care of yourself and don't use your neighbor to regulate your emotional life. Join with others who are doing the same.

Cheers.
Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. senior coach

A Fake Resume Or A Hidden One: Which Is Worse?

2009-04-28T22:51:00.000-05:00

Didn’t graduate from Yale or Harvard? No problem: just fake it on your resume or that’s what some people think. According to InfoLink, 14% of job applicants lied on resumes about their education last year.

David Edmondson, C.E.O. of RadioShack resigned after he was caught lying about college degrees. Maybe it didn’t pay off for Edmondson, but James Frey might say, despite the national embarrassment and Oprah’s anger, it has paid off to lie and fabricate. His book, “A Million Little Pieces” has been number two on the New York Times best seller list for over half a year. It can get confusing. Pays to be dishonest one place, but not in another.

When it comes to your resume, don’t lie! Resume honesty comes in two ways: 1) Don’t make up what you don’t have. 2) Tell the whole story of what you do have.

We want to be socially accepted. We can go too far to get it. Psychometrics, those tests we take to see who we are, find our traits and strengths, have built-in measures to detect if the test taker is answering honestly about themselves or answering in what they think are socially acceptable ways. If the “social acceptability” score is too high, the test is nullified. And for good reason. The test taker, knowingly or otherwise, has misrepresented who they are.

Fabrication doesn’t pay, but hiding aspects of who you are doesn’t pay either. Your work history is what usually shows up on your resume. There is an equal need for your resume to show case those “hidden” attributes about yourself which go beyond common benchmark skills, such as how well you team up with co-workers

Your hidden resume is a record of how motivated you are. It speaks to how you maintain a high performance level at work. Your future employer may not care as much if you graduated from Harvard as whether you volunteer for projects at work. Do you have political savvy? Can you maneuver your way through an organization, dealing effectively with the various levels of management?

Your hidden skills need to be highlighted on your resume as much as where you did graduate, work or who you worked for when. If you are patient, focus on service and results, are able to work well where ever you’re placed in the organization and align with customer needs, bring these “hidden talents” to the attention of a current or future employer. This will increase the significance of discussions about your career future

As a career coach I encourage people to be honest. Getting the job you want is only half the story. Keeping it is the rest of the story. You’re fine and wonderful the way you are. No need to make things up. Let the world know fully and honestly who you are and what you can bring to that job or promotion you want and deserve to keep.

Cheers!
Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D., senior coach

Emotional Leadership

2009-03-25T20:51:00.000-05:00

“All we have to fear is fear itself.” We’ve heard President F.D. Roosevelt’s quote so often, it risks being trite. But I think this was an example of his effort to provide the nation with emotional leadership in a dour time.

All we really have to fear is blind refusal to understand how things work and to use that information to our benefit. Like attracts like. Fear pulls in fear, anger calls anger, joy invites joy: that’s how things in this universe work. In this economic downturn, it is the best time to feel secure and joyful because financial leadership alone is never enough to pull us out of economic melt-downs. We need emotional leadership as well.

If what I hear during this financial crisis is true, psychology and perception play large roles in market ups and downs. People take financial risks, based in part, on how they feel. If it’s true that emotion and perception are so critical, what’s keeping our business and political leaders from providing the emotional leadership necessary to help our financial worlds rebound? Emotion is contagious, positively and negatively. Who will get the ball rolling?

Here’s how it works: positive emotion draws to us more positive circumstances. All you have to do is keep your traps open, be thoughtful about business decisions and (now the key) feel the feelings you have when things are the way you want them to be, but feel the positive feelings before things actually become the way you want them. By “traps” I mean the channels you use to receive sustenance from the world around you. Some people call that work or job or sales. That’s fine. We each have ways to receive from the Universe what we need to survive: milk from mother, welfare or subsidies from a parental figure, wages from a job, dividends or profit from your own business(s), profits from sales. Keep your doors open and feel the feelings you want to have because you choose to feel that way. Results will follow.

The emotional leader in a human group such as a business, corporate team or family does not have to be the designated leader on the org chart. It can be anyone, secretary, truck driver or vice president who is willing to make a choice to whistle in the dark, walk on the sunny side of the street or smile when financial reports are turning crimson red. It is possible to be very aware of dire circumstances but be in charge of your emotional reactions.

You’re going to pass time one way or the other. Why not feel good as you go through time? In the meantime, you could be the one who provides critical emotional leadership for your group. All you have to do is allow yourself to experience positive, safe and secure emotions while time passes. In the end, what we really have to fear is letting circumstances determine how we feel. There’s the real fear: being out of control of ourselves. As a leader, you can control how you feel even when you’re tempted to feel out of control. Others around you will pick that up and multiply the effect. Cheers.